CLIMAX.

  Today has been extremely awkward to day the least. Really mundane atmosphere, with rain falling in between intervals. My playlist just jumped from Nina Simone to Kanye West, how awkward, polarizing. Basically, I don't even know what direction to head with this post,I don't decide on the topic till I'm about to post, but that vulnerability excites me.The reason though is, I build topics from every experience, any little altercation, discussion, triumph, failure, whatever, I get wind of. I'm constantly writing down, and even yesterday, discussing with a friend at school, I legit stopped in between the conversation and wrote, and she was like "What was that?", I brushed it off. Then, my borderline curiosity. I basically seek to poke a microscope into people's lives, even strangers. Really, I'm always mirroring what growing up would have been like, how living situations differ, and various complexities of life, Its exciting.
   "Mama T (changed the name for privacy reasons), enter the car now !", "Yes sir", she answered. Mama T, a married woman, was being ordered to their vehicle,by her husband, as they were probably heading for a wedding. Watching the little scene unfold from my balcony, I watched her take the back seat of the Ford car. I wondered if the front seat was occupied, it wasn't, and the man she was in company of was her husband. Ever since her husband returned, (he regularly leaves home for long periods of time), she had temporarily quit her small scale business. She stayed in-doors all day, her gait more calculated, her responses, tamed, and she basically did house chores throughout. I asked my sister "What Century are we please ?", "that a woman literally worships her husband", and my sister said, "She is probably an illiterate". I was disgusted by it all. He breathed fear into her, it felt and looked like tyranny. It harmonizes with the book I'm reading "Everything Good will Come" by Sefi Atta, where the female lead, Enitan, is an extreme feminist, and she refuses to be drawn into the confinements of an African marriage. I believe in fair-play in marriage, you cannot crush your partners dreams or visions and just rise above the other, you support,pull each other up, its a team-game. Above all, I believe  marriage is built around mutual, loving respect for each other, not military-like relationships, where the husband looks untouchable, For Heavens sake, how will he communicate with his children ? Bringing me to the next issue....
     Going through my instagram feed, I saw a screen-shot of a boy's conversation with his dad, they were chatting each other up like buddies, without the lack of respect for the father. I loved that, I wanted that. In most parts, we undermine the importance of a FATHER-SON relationship. Normally, the father provides obligatory needs, school fees, a roof over your head, expenses, and all. But in most cases, they don't get to see their dad at all, some, once in a year, or month, or week. And honestly that is not what matters. The legacy a father leaves with his children is not what you gave, materially, its what you instilled within. There is a bond, a friendship, that not-so often exists, that should be there. And if you look at it, before you know it, you are out of your fathers house, thrown into independence, and most people never knew their father's before leaving/before their dads passed. I honestly don't know why we neglect the simple things in life, that matter the most and move onto complex, irrelevant ones. I envy people that have an unbreakable bond/friendship with their dads. It one of my aims this year honestly. I don't wanna lose that. And by the way, it's a two-way thing, it involves both parties trying to make a functioning, lasting relationship, not just being tagged"Father" OR" Son, but owning the tag. And the same goes for all other family relationships, its really vital to have that, its the backbone of Life.
     I saw a quote by A. Lorde somewhere, and it goes, 

If I didn't define myself for myself, I will be crushed into other people's fantasies for me, and I would be eaten alive.

This quote has been becoming a reality as the days have gone by. Normally, I hate when people try to make you vulnerable or unnecessarily apologetic, or fix you in tight corners because of probably a mis-conception of your personality. But, it doesn't matter, I've learnt not to explain,or back up my actions and make them seem favorable, but just act, and not tweak my personality to suit what the "norm" might be. It may cost anything, but again it does not matter. Personally, I believe in full- blown out independence. I set myself up in a way that, If I lose this opportunity today, If I lose this partnership/friendship or whatever, I can still stand by myself, because I have things going on, I have people that I love and things that make me really happy. Don't get me wrong you need people, you need friends, you cant do it all alone, but just in circumstances,its good to have that safety card and not be over-reliant on people. And no matter what you go into, make sure you never lose your identity, I strive for this! It like a house built on a solid rock , with great storms trying to pull it down, but it remains standing tall ! If, I find out a situation is engulfing me, if a situation reaches a CLIMAX, I cut it off, because I have other seeds to grow, and they will grow tall, definately, but not grow tall enough to oppose me or stand in my way, and most especially trust God, he never, ever fails. Everyone deserves a shot at happiness. That's the message. Have A Great Day !